longing 4 u

Yesterday was much like every other day in my very mundane existence (at the moment), but as I was walking home, minding my own damn business, out of nowhere, I start hysterically crying. Look, if you know me, you know that I don’t cry, at least not in public. So there I am fully sobbing on the streets of Boston, at the busiest time of the day, looking like a damn psycho. I mean, I had a long day, at a job I barely like, and all I wanted was my bed, a cosmo, and a whole bunch of pizza rolls. Instead though, I stayed at work an hour after my shift ended, and was walking in slow crowds, trying to just get to the T and get home. I am in the middle of Copley Square, sun shining down on my sweaty face, and couples every which way, and it was like a damn tea pot screaming but no one coming to turn the stove off. I thought I saw a boy that I have a  big ol’ crush on (thank god I didn’t, also couldn’t have, he doesn’t even live in this state), and stopped in my tracks. Literally just stood there, staring at this random ass stranger, until finally I realized it wasn’t him. This was all before he even looked in my direction thank goodness. I think seeing this lookalike got me all hot and bothered, then the sun, then all the couples, then the fact that it’s summer, and for the past week I haven’t stepped outside except at 7 am to get to work then at 7 pm to leave work. It all came crashing down like a damn rainstorm in a drought, the water works of the century. Boston is a small place too, so thank goodness I didn’t see anyone I knew. Knowing my luck I would’ve run into an ex, but somehow I got away with only sobbing in front of total strangers. But okay, so there is this damn boy that looks like this other damn boy that my heart aches for, and it makes me just start bawling my dumb sensitive eyes out. Maybe it was because I missed him or because I was overwhelmed and overly tired, but whatever it was, it got the tears going. I started to think about if he was here with me. We would be holding hands and walking through the park. We would sit on the grass, drinking wine, and being all cute and flirty like all the other couples. I would show him my favorite spot in all of Boston, that overlooked all the tall buildings and the small people. We would stay there to watch the sun go down, to see the busy people heading home after long work days, and the cotton candy clouds filling up the sky. He would kiss me before we walked back home together. We would slow dance on the damn street, with no music playing. Then finally I would look into his stupid perfect eyes, and probably fall in love with him right then and there. But my life is not a movie, and that boy quite literally does not give a fuck about me. And no thats not me being all “woe is me” bullshit, he really doesn’t. I text him and he either responds in one word answers, or not at all. He also quite literally pretends I just don’t exist (or the more likely thing is he just doesn’t think about me at all anymore/never did) WHATEVER idc (hahaha yes I absolutely do). This certain boy is too busy with his life, that is far more exciting  and far cooler than me and this ridiculous romanticized desire of him that I have. He would probably rather do quite literally anything else on this earth, including but not limited to, swallowing glass, than be with me (haha okay that was incredibly dramatic, but I need to make a point here).

I guess lately I have been thinking more and more about being ~single~, more and more about being alone. As much as I l adooooore it (which I actually do), I also have met so many people, over the years, especially this past year that have affected me and my dumb heart in one way or another. And as I go through my days I wonder what life would be like if one of them was more apart of it. With so many people, we were so close to that perfect idea of having a relationship and being in love, but then right when it could’ve gotten real, one of us left. I mean granted some of these were short and sweet, but still the thought of something working out is always looming. I don’t need anyone, aka a “boyfriend” (ha) but sometimes, just sometimes, I want that kinda someone in my life. I mean I like to think that that whole cliche ~if its meant to be, it will be~ thing, but also what if it was timing? What if one of those people is actually supposed to be in my life and one of us was just too stupid to realize and our timing was off. Maybe it won’t be in the future? OR maybe me even wondering this is pointless .I don’t know, I guess I think about that certain boy, for example, who clearly ~does not like me~ and it hurts. It hurts to know that he is out there living his life, and I am not even a thought in his head, but he is in mine. I think of him when its a nice day, when the sun is shining, people are walking by the water, its the summer, and all you want is to be sitting next to the person you love. Maybe it’s jealousy or loneliness, (or horniness honestly) or simply a longing for love, that I cannot fulfill myself. Why is my heart aching to be in love again, but my mind is completely and utterly not ready? I need to focus on myself, my move out of Boston, my ~future~, even some shitty things from my past I haven't fully dealt with; but here I am crying on the streets of Boston, wanting some boy who doesn’t even care I exist, to love me.