i love you, now say it back

I am realizing more and more that I don’t say “I love you” in a very conventional way. People when they love someone they usually, I don’t know, just say it? Or take a bit, get all awkward, ask their friends for advice, wait some more, get drunk, then blurt it out. I though, have a completely different approach. The second I start to really start crushing on someone, really feel that ~love~ in the pit of my stomach, where I can’t seem to contain it anymore, I usually same something along the lines of “I hate you” and “you are the absolute worst”. Yes I know, these two phrases don’t really, necessarily, expose my true feelings, but for some reason that’s what comes out of my mouth when all I want to say is “hey I really fucking love you”. I started noticing this more recently, when my friends say the way I flirt is by telling people I don’t actually like them. I didn’t really see it myself  until the past two guys I had crushes on would flirt with me and I would literally almost make fun of them for doing so. I mean I definitely show my love in other ways as well, it's all in the eyes, the way I look at you and the way I laugh at your jokes, the way even if I’m sick and tired I will want to see you, if you’re sick, sad, angry, anything, I will be there for you. I don’t have to always say the actual horrifying and spine-chilling words, but by my actions, you’ll know (at least I hope). I even feel like in one kiss they ~should~ know all that I haven't said. BUT as much as I wish that to be true, because it’s so cute and romantic blah blah blah, its NOT. Maybe in the movies, but not in real life. I can’t read minds, truthfully no one really can, so I can kiss someone and feel everything there is to feel, but if I don’t say that, let's be real, (directing this at the hopeless romantic side of my brain, aka the majority of all my thoughts), they will not know! I mean I am big on telling people how I feel, and being upfront with all the emotional stuff we are so apt to hide, but sometimes when I try to do that, I do it in my own very very vague way. It’s scary, I hate to admit when I’m scared or vulnerable or anything that doesn’t make me appear strong, but sitting there looking at the person that you love, and telling them that you love them is fucking scary. What if they don’t say it back? What if they do but don’t mean it?  As much as I want to fully love and let my feelings go, I am still wary of saying these actual words. I remember sitting in front of this boy, he was making jokes, and his infectious smile was spread out from ear to ear, and I knew that I loved him. Maybe not full out crazy “notebook” level, I can’t live without you kinda love, but the kinda love that when I looked at him smile it made me happy, when he held my hand I didn’t want him to let go, and when he left it hurt a little more than it should. I wanted to tell him, but instead, I called him the worst and laughed, probably called him a moron right after, and that was that. I mean in my head I told him everything he needed to know, that he was the worst, aka that he made my heart speed up to a point I thought I was going to have a heart attack the second I saw him, and that I couldn't help but picture a future with us together… But instead he heard the words that came out of my mouth, that were not remotely close to what I meant. Now here I am, and I haven't seen that boy in quite some time, and even though I felt it, he never realized that I loved him. I talk a big talk about expressing feelings, and loving as much as you possibly can, but yet I am not telling the people who deserve to know how much I love them, that I, in fact, love them. If it were me, and someone loved me, I would want to know. I don’t want to be scared of these words, or of the feeling, I don’t want to be scared I might get hurt or might not hear what I want to hear, I just want to be able to feel these things and tell the person to their face how I feel. It's inevitable that our hearts will break, but I’d rather be able to say I told someone the absolute truth, then hold onto that feeling forever, and never let it have life.  I think something I am really going to try to do from now on, is tell the people whom I love that I love them, before it’s too late (morbid, sorry, but c’mon true). I want to be able to look back at my life and know that I was as genuine and true to myself and my feelings as I possibly can. I don’t want to sit here wishing I said more, wishing I kissed that dreamy guy longer, wishing I told the person I loved that I loved him before he walked away. I don’t want to hold onto feelings and regret not saying them out loud. That doesn’t mean I won’t get hurt, I definitely will, ya girl loves a good cry in her bed alone, but at least I won’t be sitting there hiding the way I feel about someone because I was ~scared~. I think we all like to pretend we don’t care to the people we care the most about, I definitely do. I don’t want to do that though, I want the people in my life to know I care about them if I do, and I want the people who care about me to tell me that. Love is so fucking important, sometimes I think it's the most important thing we get to experience, this human connection we can’t explain, yet all feel, and it should be vocalized.And to quote from one of my favorite movies of all time "(dead poets society baby), “Poetry, beauty, romance, love. These are what we stay alive for”. If these are what we stay alive for, what we all strive for (idc what any of you say this is true), then we have to stop being so goddamn scared to say it. So, to the guys I’ve told that I hate, or that they are the worst, most of the time I mean the quite opposite. But also a lot of you whom I say that to, you quite literally are the worst, and I do actually hate you, so don’t get your damn hopes up.

-t